metal_wolverine

hey peeps, my new journal user name is evilbabyboi ..... so if u can plz add me to ur friends lists especially those who's journals require it for me to read their entries, love ya's all....

x_stan_x

the sun is out again god damn it!!!!! my pretty black clouds and thunder and lightning flashes have gone, my beautiful landscape has gone and it was the only thing keeping me going today, now that it's gone i feel a lil lost.... now that the sun is out again well mostly out, i'm going to have to close my curtains again, if i'm feeling disgraced with myself or just plain miserable i'd prefer to be alone in the darkness than i would being alone in the light.... it is pretty obvious to those who have been reading my last few journal entries why i am disgraced with myself and as such i need not go into the details again..... i'm hoping tha rach comes online soon so we can talk.... but i'm just guessing but i don't think she'll be wanting to talk to me any time soon but we'll find out i guess.....

my music is playing medium level for volume but it is having trouble drowning out the rain and thats the way i like it hense the reason that i have not turned the volume control up on my pc..... it's so beautiful dark clouds, the rain pouring down, thunder making the floor slightly vibrate, for most this sort of situation scares them, for me it is calming me down i love it....

I'm sitting here all warm and fuzzy, and yet drenched coz i've just come bak inside from standing in the rain, the rain dripping down my forehead as i brush my hair back and feel more rain pour onto my face, and i just closed my eyes and looked at the sky, it's lovely....

and yet with all this beauty i'm still worried rach is leaving me, but i'm trusting my heart when it says shes not instead of my head which is saying shes going to.... i love her so much i don't know what i'd do without her, shes my everything.....

this poem i found today describes how i feel about rach, well it doesn't describe it but it's my attempt to describe it, it's hard to describe something when no word or words can portray how much she means to me....


You leaned over and you kissed me
I felt my knees go weak
You leaned over and you kissed me
I couldn't even speak
You leaned over and you kissed me
With a passion flowing free
You leaned over and you kissed me
Sparks flew that we could see
You leaned over and you kissed me
A touch so soft and tender
You leaned over and you kissed me
A kiss I would remember
You leaned over and you kissed me
I'm sure I kissed you back
You leaned over and you kissed me
With the fire no kiss should lack
You leaned over and you kissed me
You left me wanting more
You leaned over and you kissed me
My soul you did explore
You leaned over and you kissed me
My heart no longer full of pain
You leaned over and you kissed me
Darling, kiss me once again

i don't know what it is with me today i'm just so tired... bein up till 11:30ish isn't late for me so i don't kno why i'm so tired, i got woken up at 9 fell asleep again about a minute l8ter and then woke up again at 11... so i've had alot of sleep and yet i sti ll find it hard to do anything today apart from sit and sleep... i got exhausted today from just walkin from my room to the lounge room, and it's not a very far walk.... maybe i'm comin down with the flu or sumtin, or sum sort of virus which always makes u lathargic....

i dunno maybe i've just been running myself ragged the past few days, with all the research i'm doin, and then meeting up with friends and entertaining rellies, trying to keep fit, doing work round the house, and then the usual gettin friends out of their own problems and shit lol.... it might not seem like much but it's worn me out, oh and having all that done b efore 3pm coz i like to be online when my baby wakes up.... so i'm pretty fukin tired lol, but i guess i'll just drink alot of pepsi and get caffeine high lol.....

I've just gone outside to hang the washing on the line, and looked up at the sky, and it's a mixture of grey's and blacks and whites, i could hear faint whispers of thunders and i'm thinking to myself god i love thunder and lighting, i love rain and hail, just the fact that no matter how miserable my mood is at the time the weather outside is more miserable and as such i don't have such a hard time thinking about my problems.... i love the sound of thunder when i am sleeping and the rain, pouring down on my roof, to hear the droplets hit the roof and splash off, and here the water running down the gutter.... it's such a relaxing thing....

Once again i am sitting in my room, listening to the reaper by him, no need to close the curtains to be in the dark because the outside whether is so dismal and dark that there is no need...... i'm just looking out the window and typing at the same time god it's good being able to touch type lol.... i'm thinking, what is rach doing at this moment in time, judging by the clock and the amount of alcohol she drank last nite hopefully sleeping and hopefully not feeling sick.... but by the sounds of things she is going to feel a bit rough when she wakes up.... i shall try and be online for when she wakes up but i don't think i will be, but the main thing is i will be able to talk to her sumtime today, and if it makes i need to stay up way late again then so be it, i just need to smooth things out with her, to tell her i'm sorry and that i love her and that i don't want what we have to end, i want it to grow, i love her with all my heart and i'll do anything for her, even if it means crossing over.... i love you rach and if your reading this then plz, don't let us finish, i love you so much, ur a major part of my life now, you are my life, you make everything seem worth while, i love you with all my heart, i gave you my heart, plz don't throw it away.....

i always get too excited and jump ahead of things.... i should learn to let them run their true coruse and in their true time.... i'm sick of fukin things up.... i will not let it end like this, i will not let everything i love just drift away from me, i'm going to fight to keep it... i'm hoping rach doesn't want to end it all, but if she does i guess i'll have to find a way to understand that....

But until the day she tells me she wants to end it i'm going to fight to make up for this mistake i made or atleast try and make up for this mistake that i made.... everyone here thought it was so sweet, and i was blinded by what they were saying when in fact the thought of it was frightening my baby, i'm so sorry rach i didn't kno....

I'm going to try and forget the fact of wat iw as going to do, it obviously isn't time yet, and i understand that,i was mislead to think that it was... i i will not cancel my holiday however, unless rach tells me to, i kno everything else should be cancelled or prosponed to another time, but the holiday itself even tho in rach's journal entries she says she is nervous, and that is understandable, personally i am terrified, i'm goin out my home, out of the state, out of the country, then out of the southern hemisphere into a place i know nothing about, and it scares the shit out me...

I'm not sum1 scared easily, but im not so much scared by the fact that once i hit hethrow, there will be a heap of ppl rushing about me and the fact that i will be overwhelmed by them all.... but by the fact that wat happens if she doesn't like me when she sees me sorta thing, i don't know, what am i going to do???

i knew i was rushing it talkin bout proposing, how fucking stupid am i.... grrrrr i hate myself right now, i'm listenin to the reaper by him again but i feel like sumtin angrier because well i've made a complete fool outta myself once again.... it's 11:09 and i doubt my neighbours will like it if i put slipknot on loud or even my family would like it seeming all of them are sleeping cept my mum who is watching tv.... i'm such a dope.... maybe i should re-think goin over for a holiday, coz i think i am just scaring rach to much, maybe it all is just too sudden, i dunno, i thought it felt right well it did for me atleast, obviously not for her, u were right rik, i fukd it up, i rushed it, i fukd it all up, maybe i should just take u up on ur offer aye, and get smashed and wrap the car round a tree lol.... nah bad joke i kno but u n me get it lol..... the piano for the reaper is playin in the background softly and yet it is not calming me the way it normally does, i'm so stupid , GOD DAMN IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!

All our times have come
here but now they´re gone
Seasons don´t fear the reaper
nor do the wind the sun or the rain
we can be like they are

Come on baby
don´t fear the reaper
baby take my hand
don´t fear the reaper
we'll be able to fly
don't fear the reaper
baby I´m your man

Valentine is done
here but now they´re gone
Romeo and Juliet
are together in eternity, Romeo and Juliet
40 000 men and women every day like Romeo and Juliet
40 000 men and women every day redefine happiness
another 40,000 coming every day

come on baby, don´t fear the reaper
baby take my hand, don´t fear the reaper
we´ll be able to fly, don´t fear the reaper
baby i´m your man

Love of two is one
here but now they´re gone
last night of sadness
it was clear that we couldn´t go on
then the door was open and the wind appeared
the candles blew and then dissapeared
the curtains flew and then he appeared
saying don´t be afraid
come on baby and we had no fear
and we ran to him,then we started to fly
we looked backward and said goodbye, we had become like they are
we had taken his hand, we had become like they are
come on baby don´t fear the reaper

this song is really nice when u pay attention to the lyrics.... thats it i've HAD IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm sick of you tellin me that rach doesn't have feelings for me, or that when i go over there she will say no when i ask her to marry me.... ur a bitch sarah.... get over it. I will never want you the way you want me to, i was trying to be the good friends and be there for a shoulder to cry on wen u needed me to be.... but u've taken it to far. i will never love you, i can't love you the way you want, i can love u as a friend but only as a friend, i'm in love with rach, which is why i will ask her to marry me when i go over there in 19 months, if she says no then so be it, but i will not let that worry me, i will ask her, in person down on one knee if she says no then i will know it's not the right time, and i will ask again when she feels it is right, but i am not going to be mislead by sum1 who wants to ruin my life.

You can not make me happy in every life time you could buy, with ur lies and fake smiles, rach makes me happy right now and will make me happier the day i can just hold her.... u can in no way comapre to her, she is my soul mate, not u, we went out once before and remember u treated me like shit and made me end up in hospital, i refuse to be a puppet on ur string, i'm in love so either get over it or get used to it!!!!!!!

Well here I stand before myself
I see somethings out of place
You tasted all my purity
Now there's nothing left to waste
The feeling gets so in my way
It's getting lost in my delivery
The feeling gets so in my way
I'm getting lost in your periphery

And you sold me up the river again
(I don't want to be alone again)
And you made me start it over again
(I don't want to be alone again)
And you moved me, and you soothed me, and you fought me
(I don't want to be alone again)
And you left me wondering what the hell
What is wrong with me?

I never felt like I had felt
Until the day you came undone
I never felt like I was lost
Until the day you killed me again
The feeling gets so in my way
It's getting lost in my delivery
The feeling gets so in my way
I'm getting lost in your periphery

And you sold me up the river again
(I don't want to be alone again)
And you made me start it over again
(I don't want to be alone again)
And you moved me, and you soothed me, and you fought me
(I don't want to be alone again)
And you left me wondering what the hell
What is wrong with me?

Are you stronger,
for cutting me open?
Are you stronger,
for leaving me broken?

And you sold me up the river again
(I don't want to be alone again)
And you made me start it over again
(I don't want to be alone again)
And you moved me, and you soothed me, and you fought me
(I don't want to be alone again)
And you left me wondering what the hell
What is wrong with me?


i've spent the past 20 minutes talking to my m8 from perth, and he and i both agree, that i am totally in love with rach, he said if i wasn't i wouldn't be considering leaving everything behind, my friends and family, my job, my soon to be house (yayness) lol.... but i can't expect her to do that for me it just wouldn't happen, i wouldn't let it happen, i guess it would just be easier for me to do that than it would her, it just means i'm gonna have to work a hell of alot harder, to make sumtin of myself but as me and rik both agree i've never been one to take the easy road lol.....

I will sacrifice everything i know for her, because i love her i just gotta brace myself coz it's such a big decision when i actually go thru will it, not only my friends and family but i will be shocked.... but i can't not make the decision to leave because it, it is just something that has to be done... i will feel betta when i can hold her in my arms.... this is just on my part the true test of how much i love her, and i love her enough to leave everything else i love behind to be with her.... apparantely thats romantic lol steph ur such a hopeless romantic lol u fink everything is but this time i guess i have to agree wid you , cheers babe lol....

there was a few new photo's on rach's faceparty profile today, she looks so gorgeous in them and i was thinking omg is this for real.... does she really love me, she looks like she could be a model for ffs.... and i'm just me, i'm not attractive or anything that may even resemble cute ( so rach and her mum will have to get used to it that i aint cute lol)..... just sitting here, boiling hot, after the hard days work, i'm just contemplating and trying to kool down lol......

Is this all for real.... am i really going to fly to the other side of the world and propose to my baby gurl.... am i really going to do it... it seeems like something out of a nursery rhyme.... where the prince goes to a distant land in search of his princess and they live happily ever after..... i'm just so scared that she will find sum1 better or decide she doesn't want me... because i mean lets face it the gurl is gorgeous.... but then again where would that leave me, nursery rhyme eh beauty and the beast more like.....

i've done so much thinking over the past few days that it's not funny, i've been thinking life love ect... but also how i am going to gain them both. I am going to england in 19 months as i have told my friends and family..... by that time however will my feelings for rach have changed, not a chance in hell, i would not be even contemplating doing what i'm thinking of doing if i thought that my feelings would change in any way,shape or form....

Would hers have changed by then i'm hoping not and i believe her when she says that they won't.... i have been asked if she is gonna come and live with me in australia or if i am going to live their in england.... i've been told the way of life in australia is better and that i'd be able to support her alot betta over here, hense by that time i will have a house and my job will be the same as it is now but i would still have a job.... if i moved to england i would have to start from scratch and wouldn't be able to take care of her as good for a lil while, but i'd do my best..... the only thing that is stopping me from asking her to one day move to australia and move into a house with me, is the fact that i couldn't ask her that.... moving away from ur family is a very big deal and she has friends and relatives and everything there so it would be indecent and inconsiderate of me to even contemplate asking such a question......

Alot can happen between now and then 19 months when i go and visit, but i do not believe that my feelings for her will change one but, wat i feel is tru, it is love, and it feels great.... the test of a true man occording to a few of my female friends, is the way he makes the best out of what he is given and takes care of those around him... if it comes down to me leaving everything i kno behind, my family, my friends, my job... then so be it.... for rach i would journey to the ends of the earth, i would die for her if necessaray, for her i would cross over if it meant my sacrifice would make her happier or save her in someway..... all it is not is a waiting game and a planning game, waiting for the time to come where i can hold her in my arms hoping to never let go, and a planning game because i would need to plan wat i am going to do whether it is support her here, or support her there it would not matter i just want to be able to give her the best i possibly can and be the perfect man for her, if it means i need to change, then so be it... for her i'd do anything and everything......

in 18 or 19 months i will be able to travel for a month, and two guesses where i am going, thats right ladies and gents, i'm going to see rach. When i spoke to her i said it may be 2 to 3 years before i could but i've done alot of checking of finance and my work and stuff, and in 18 months to 19 months time i will be able to have a month of travel, thats less than two years away, so i hope rach likes that because until then my work is going to be very strenuous altho i will not let it show... but now i am workin towards a goal i am able to work longer..... i can't wait to finally hold her.... and it's not that far off in the distance....

I'm gonna have to get back to the gym soon, i'm startin to get fat lol.... nah not really, i'm still as fit as i used to b e, but i've had to do alot of push ups and situps and like goin for runs and workin on the punching bag and stuff to keep this fit especially over the holiday season which is when i usually t end to put on alot of weight because i just sit on my bum and eat as most people do over christmas.

I'm sitting in my room with the fan going, the curtains closed and still my room is fully lit, i hate the day time lol unless i'm at the beach.. im more of a night time person, only because most of the stuff i like doin is at night, wait thats not true, beach rugby and grid iron games can be done in the day or night, but people get hurt more at night because u dnt know whether u are talkin a team m8 or the opposite or a romantic couple walking along the beach at nite lol.....

Now that i have all this spare time until work goes back, i've got nuffin to do lol, all the stuff i wanted to do, revolves around the fact i need money lol and i won't be workin so i won't be gettin money again till i start work, so i'm gonna have to be a scrooge with the money i have left in my wallet.... lol so no goin to the movies or nuffin like that until i get back to work and start earning again, it'll only take me two weeks to get payed and then i'll have heaps of money and then i'm set lol.......

I'm listening to heaven's a lie by lacuna coil i love that song and the band mind you, and it has nothing to do with how hot the female singer is ..... the lyrics for it are below.....

Oh no, here it is again
I need to know when I'll fall in to decay
Something wrong with every plan of my life
I didn't really notice that you've been here

Dolefully desired
Destiny of a lie

Set me free
Your heaven's a lie
Set me free with your love
Set me free

Oh no, here it is again
I need to know why did I choose to betray you
Something wrong with all the plans of my life
I didn't realize that you've been here

Dolefully desired
Destiny of a lie

Set me free
Your heaven's a lie
Set me free with your love
Set me free

Set me free
Your heaven's a lie
Set me free with your love
Set me free

Dolefully desired...

Set me free
Your heaven's a lie
Set me free with your love
Set me free

Set me free
Your heaven's a lie
Set me free with your love
Set me free

awwwwww i'm quite relaxed now i think i'm just gonna stay online for a while longer and chat to aimee.... and then maybe go and watch a dvd l8ter or sumtin....

god damn am i bored... so bored that i've gone and redone my faceparty and msn profiles lol..... so bored that i've reorganised my room... so bored even them i'm contemplating going to bed at 4 in the arvo lol..... the only thing keeping me from being bored out of my mind is having a nice chat to a gurl from perth i know. Next time i'm in perth i'll ave to meet up with her just so she can meet me in person n stuff, the next time i'm in perth would be for Big
Day Out... and i've gotta few friends to meet up wid, most of all Fee.... i aint seen her in so long and i miss her lol.....

Well i'm really bored so i mite find sumtin else to do lol.....

i left at around 9ish off msn because i was going to clean... i had a cleaning urge so i thought i was may aswell go with it.... coz it does not happen often lol, so my room has been cleaned,dusted, polished the whole works... i went out to the kitchen to get sumtin to eat and there were dishes all over the place, so i did them aswell.... i cooked bacon and eggs at 12:30am and by the time i cooked them and ate as much of what i cooked as possible it was 1am.....

i'm still quite tired from the night before and the early morning lol... but i woke up and my room smelled clean, not smelling of soft waves of stale beer and chips lol....i need food i'm gonna go get food..... ok i'm bak with food, more like a snack which is bad for my body lol coke and chocolate... but hey it's quick easy and yummy....

Last night was a big thing for me, everything just seemed to flow freely the thought of kids and a family, and moving and everything, it just seemed clear what i was wanting to do and how i was g oing to get it... i'm not the kind of guy who gives up on something that is important to him even tho it may be a little bit hard.... NO!!!!! i'm gonna work and work and work until i've made myself the man i want to be and the man that could be the best provider for rach....

If someone had asked me no more than 6 months ago if i wanted children or to get married or anything the answer would have been a swift reply, but lately as i've been maturing and the world around me has been changing from school environment to that of the working environment , everything has seemed to come in a different perspective.....

I'm no longer the guy i was three months ago, i've changed so much that at times my own family has trouble recognising parts of me... i've matured past what was expected of me in most ways.... i've begun planing my life for the future and not only planning for myself but planning for a family, and a new life..... it's amazing to think how much a good three months and something to look forward to at the end of it all can change a person..... i love you rach

it's amazing, how today the first day in god knows how many where i haven't had any alcohol of any sort, is the first day i've had genuine fun. I have not had one drop of alcohol in me and i like that. So i'm sticking by my decision to give up drinking....

I'm a bit nervous however, coz as of january 4th, i pretty much give up my social life as i start workin full time, and then studying at nite, so for the nxt few years i'm goin to be pretty exhausted.... it is however a means to an end, the nxt few years i put in the effort and work my lil ass off and get my education done and get it at the high level that i am capable of in Information technology... and once thats out of the way being that computers are the way of the future i can apply for a job where i wish and those close to me know where that is..... but i'm filled with doubt also.

It is starting to sink into my mind that the gurl i'm moving for when all is arranged may not want me when i've done all i need to do, or infact is starting to not want me now.... could it be that i've done something wrong, or perhaps because shes found someone better, or it could be because i am not good enough, it could even be a combination of all those reasons with a mixture of others i'm not able to concieve just yet.

Not something i should be thinking about on christmas of all days i know because it will make me feel sorry for myself and quite depressed and hey what u kno it has.....i've got friends tellin me the same things i'm thinking and i've also got friends telling me not to think things like that.... so i'm bombarded on each side with ppl with different opinions.... i was going to get enough courage to tell rach what i was thinkin g and talk to her about it because she has been saying to me i should tell her everything, but just as i was about to press enter in the msn conversation to send wat i had typed she said she had to go and help her mum cook dinner, so i thought stuff it i won't say nefin.... so i'm just keepin it inside now and i can say for a fact that it is eating me up inside.

I don't know what to do with myself today, my parents are quite happy sitting in the lounge room, my rellies are quite happy doing their own thing, my sister is off with her boyfriend and me i'm just stuck here wondering wat to do to fill this hole.... it's hard to think that the only thing that would fill this hole in me is something that i can't have yet, what i would give to be able to have the money to just jump on the next plane to derby and see rach, but as such i don't have the money and besides that i haven't made shit of myself yet, i wouldn't want to turn up saying i'm still a trainee Information Technology engineer not would i want to turn up and say well i'm actually in the middle of my studies at tafe or uni and as such i'm still a student.... thats j=not wat she deserves, she deserves better than that, better than me.....

after the disaster that was yesterday, i was hoping today was going to be a good day, a day where i could rest and recooperate from the horrible night before... but as with most things that happen in my life it was the complete opposite..... the stench of dissappointment just flowed off all my relatives....

It is days like this that i wish i was dead.... if i didn't have so many commitments in this world and have love for someone as much as i do for rach, i guess i would just say fuck it, i'm out and end it.... this is how i'm feeling right now but because of those two reason i am not going to.... i've got to be the bigger man here, face up to what i did, apologise for it, work to get the trust back, and then maybe then will i stop feeling like complete shit on the inside.

Last night was so bad for me i've decided to give up drinking, i've got enuff problems in my life without creating more by being drunk all the time..... i guess i started having alot to drink when i thought there was nothing important in my life and as such i would just drink away my sorrows, now i have things to live for (rach), i think it is time f or me to be responsible and make sure that i keep myself safe and in good health for her, so when we meet in a few years time, i will be fit as a fiddle and i won't have any baggage e.g alcoholism. i best be off now, i'm actually quite tired so i might get some sleep....

with the blood all over my hands.... it brings back memories, such horrible memories, that i had tried to wipe from my mind.... i just want it all to stop, i want to forget everything, i wanna be able to start again and not be haunted by my past acts and others past acts.

today has been a bad day by all accounts, i just want it all to stop.

Dad, your boy is about to fall.
He walks the razor's edge.
He's on the brink of fading out.
He's at his bitter end.
Dad, your boy he used to run, you taught him how to crawl.
He left home to find his own, now all he had is gone.

In your eyes I see a darkness that torments you
and in your head where it dwells.
I'd give you my hand if you'd reach out and grab it,
Lets walk away from this hell.

In your eyes I see a darkness that torments you
and in your head where it dwells.
I'd give you my hand if you'd reach out and grab it,
Lets walk away from this hell.

Mom, your baby's on his way.
He'll soon be at your side.
Cause he's forgotten all he's known.
A part of him has died.
Mom may never understand why baby's come and gone.
He left home to find his own, now all he has are lies.

In your eyes I see a darkness that torments you
and in your head where it dwells.
I'd give you my hand if you'd reach out and grab it,
Lets walk away from this hell.

In your eyes I see a darkness that torments you
and in your head where it dwells.
I'd give you my hand if you'd reach out and grab it,
Lets walk away from this hell.

In your eyes.
In your eyes.
In your eyes.
In your eyes.

In your eyes I see a darkness that torments you
and in your head where it dwells.
I'd give you my hand if you'd reach out and grab it,
Lets walk away from this hell.

In your eyes I see a darkness that torments you
and in your head where it dwells.
I'd give you my hand if you'd reach out and grab it,
Lets walk away from this hell.


finally in someone's eyes i am worth something..... for once i'm truly loved, for once i'm on som1's mind, for once i'm....happy. Most of all it's not fake... it's all real, it's not made up by sum1 wanting to see what would happen, or to set me up and watch me fall and humiliate me.

I'm not worrying about what others think of me, or worried about the physical side of a relationship, because the emotional side is so much better the thought of the physical side does not even cross my mind....

I'm sitting here hungry because i could not be bothered to get something to eat lol.... as most ppl know about me i don't settle for second best and i don't settle for last when i know i could get first... I don't let other win if i know i could..... which is showing how much i've changed since i started meeting rach, it's a sub-conscious thing in me the need to alwas win, i guess it's from the years of martial arts, sports and athletics, but i'm lettin rach win.... it's starting slowely coz i'm not used to it yet lol but i'm getting better.... i know it's not a good thing to change urself for anyone even if ur only changing a small part of you, but the change for me, in the way i act and the way my mind thinks and the way my dreams are slowely starting to drift away from the torment are things that are happening without me noticing.... i guess the saying is true.... i love you for you but also for what i am when i am with you.... i love you rach

[Step by step, heart to heart, left right left
We all fall down...

Step by step, heart to heart, left right left
We all fall down like toy soldiers
Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win
But the battle wages on for toy soldiers

I'm supposed to be the soldier who never blows his composure
Even though I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders
I am never supposed to show it, my crew ain't supposed to know it
Even if it means goin' toe to toe with a Benzino it don't matter
I'd never drag them in battles that I can handle unless I absolutely have to
I'm supposed to set an example
I need to be the leader, my crew looks for me to guide 'em
If some shit ever just pop off, I'm supposed to be beside 'em
Now the Ja shit i tried to squash it, it was too late to stop it
There's a certain line you just don't cross and he crossed it
I heard him say Hailie's name on a song and I just lost it
It was crazy, this shit be way beyond some Jay-z and Nas shit
And even though the battle was won, I feel like we lost it
I spent too much energy on it, honestly I'm exhausted
And I'm so caught in it I almost feel I'm the one who caused it
This ain't what I'm in hip-hop for, it's not why I got in it
That was never my object for someone to get killed
Why would I wanna destroy something I help build
It wasn't my intentions, my intentions was good
I went through my whole career without ever mentionin' Suge
Now it's just out of respect for not runnin' my mouth
And talkin' about something that I knew nothing about
Plus Dre told me stay out, this just wasn't my beef
So I did, I just fell back, watched and gritted my teeth
While he's all over t.v. down talkin' a man who literally saved my life
Like fuck it i understand this is business
And this shit just isn't none of my business
But still knowin' this shit could pop off at any minute cuz

Step by step, heart to heart, left right left
We all fall down like toy soldiers
Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win
But the battle wages on for toy soldiers

There used to be a time when you could just say a rhyme
And wouldn't have to worry about one of your people dyin'
But now it's elevated cuz once you put someone's kids in it
The shit gets escalated, it ain't just words no more is it?
It's a different ball game, callin' names and you ain't just rappin'
We actually tried to stop the 50 and Ja beef from happenin'
Me and Dre had sat with him, kicked it and had a chat with him
And asked him not to start it he wasn't gonna go after him
Until Ja started yappin' in magazines how we stabbed him
Fuck it 50 smash 'em, mash 'em and let him have it
Meanwhile my attention is pullin' in other directions
Some receptionist at The Source who answers phones at his desk
Has an erection for me and thinks that I'll be his ressurection
Tries to blow the dust off his mic and make a new record
But now he's fucked the game up cuz one of the ways I came up
Was through that publication the same one that made me famous
Now the owner of it has got a grudge against me for nothin'
Well fuck it, that mutherfucker can get it too, fuck him then
But I'm so busy being pissed off I don't stop to think
That we just inherited 50's beef with Murder Inc.
And he's inherited mine which is fine ain't like either of us mind
We still have soldiers that's on the front line
That's willing to die for us as soon as we give the orders
Never to extort us, strictly to show they support us
We'll maybe shout 'em out in a rap or up in a chorus
To show them we love 'em back and let 'em know how important it is
To have Runion Avenue Soldiers up in our corners
Their loyalty to us is worth more than any award is
But I ain't tryna have none of my people hurt and murdered
There ain't words that I can't think of a perfecter way to word it
Then to just say that I love ya'll too much to see the virdict
I'll walk away from it all before I let it go any further
But don't get it twisted, it's not a plea that I'm coppin'
I'm just willin' to be the bigger man
If ya'll can quit poppin' off at your jaws with the knockin'
Cuz frankly I'm sick of talkin'
I'm not gonna let someone elses coffin rest on my conscience cuz

Step by step, heart to heart, left right left
We all fall down like toy soldiers
Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win
But the battle wages on for toy soldiers

i thank god everyday for giving me the perfect gurl.... i was on the path of destruction, starting not to care about anyone or anything, i was starting to get into trouble again, i was starting to hit the alcohol hard again and started smoking and fighting.... I really was in alot of trouble, but she saved me. I'm not one that normally listens to eminem, but that song featured above, when i heard it made me realise how lucky i am to have rach... i was on the same sort of path, going to burn out, depended on by so many ppl and talked shit bout by so many ppl.... i wouldn't be here if it wasn't for rach, she pulled me bak from bein on a burn out path to being in love.... thankyou rach i love you.....

it has been such a hectic day and the rest of the week is not looking any brighter, i am going to have to work pretty long days to get this databasing work done for pre-emptive. I'm gettin payed for it which is ok but it's still alot of work to be done and i've got a very short deadline to get it completed in apparantely....

I know that rach is angry at me now, and i apologise for that, i haven't been giving her as much attention as she deserves the past few days because i've been so caught up with work and with not sleeping and stuff... I w ant to be able to be there for her every moment of every day and i've been doing as much as i possibly can so that i can do that but it doesn't seem to be enough, i'm sorry rach, i'm sorry that i can't give u what u need, or be there for you all the time.... i try my hardest i really do but it just doesn't seem to be good enuff.....

I've been told, that i'm being pushed aside now and she is going to move up the ladder of guys, to bigger and better things.... it saddens me to think of such a thing happening because i've never felt this way about anyone before, i've never wanted to share the things with rach that i do or thought about someone so constantly but most of all i have never opened myself up to sum1 and let them kno the real me eva... and i have with rach.

Wen i got told that i was worried becoz i knew it wasn't tru but at the same time i knew that she deserves better than me, i can't give her what she needs, i['m not good at this sort of thing, i've never had much luck with gurls, and i just want to make rach happy. I've got one m8 who is quite suicidal and wants me to top myself the same time hes doin it, he thinks the only way i can make rach happy is by toppin myself.... but i don't think thats right. I don't want to do that and i don't think that rach wants me to either... if she wants me out of her life, she just has to say so, but i'm not goin to top myself.... it just aint happenin........

I'm sitting here in alot of trouble, i'm doubting myself again, i'm doubting my abilities to make sum1 happy, my ability to make myself happy. It seems i've lost my self confidence and i've lost the hope that sum1 may want me.... what am i supposed to do..... do i end it or do i try and get my confidence bak or is this once again the case where my friends are trying to steer my down the wrong path??????